kikita, the girl, the cats and the love

Life is simple and clear..

Right now, I know exactly what I want. It's 2019, just a few hours ago was 2018.

Just a few hours ago, I was sitting outside the balcony of my husbands room crying with just socks a sweater and sleep pants.

My husband and I fought a lot. But we fought to the point I was being beat by him. To the point he broke my laptop, my cheap free government phone.. the laptop my mom got me,,, really hurt me. I know my mom is hurtful too, but she's my mom. Now I have a husband who treats me like shit too.

The thing is, he has bipolar depression. But is that an excuse to not care that I cry outside his balcony? I remember first getting high off an edible he gave me in 2016 when we lived together in chicago..

I cried so hard and told him to help me. I was sad and depressed and cried so hard like I've never cried before. it doesn't matter that i showed him that side of me. I still was beat sometimes. I recently told him i was molested. He made that about himself and said " i thought u said u were never with someone... but u were with someone before me"

I know he has bipolar depression, but ... i was molested.

Who would ever say that to someone... what husband would ever say that to his wife...

Can i remind you, we aren't just a regular ol wife and husband.

I met him on okcupid... i didn't like him at first because he lived so far and i was smitten for some white guy who just showed me a bit of attention on that same site and seemed cool.

I wanted attention from someone. No, i didnt marry him because he gave me attention, I told him I like you as a friend when he said he loved me on tumblr.

I didn't care. But then we talked everyday. I heard his voice. I remember telling my friend, his voice is awesome and so hot sounding. We basically had that connection. He's just a few months older than me, he likes the same music as me, he just moved to california and didn't care about leaving friends behind in maryland. I was starting to fall for him.

one night he asked if i ever thought about soulmates. they night was what made me want to be his girlfriend.

talking about all this just helps me because im talking to myself, trying to figure out WHY he has 2 different attitudes.

Once he's mad, he thinks he did nothing wrong. he blames everyone but himself. he then says he will kill himself if i get mad again or if this happens again and blah blah...

meanwhile i have clear visions of myself jumping off or infront of something..

i just don't know..

i felt happy with those thoughts.

i just wish he would understand he is not the only one depressed especially in this household..

ok.... fast forward. im currently in cali with him. Why... why do you ask??

Well, I gave him another chance. I gave myself another chance. I thought it would get better. i went to mexico after he hit me hard and my mom and landlord caught him.

That was the only time he cried. He cried when they caught him.

That's the only time he cries. when he's caught and someone else is there to see his wrong doing.

anyways.... that was one reason why i went to mexico. the other was to go before i found a job. luckily, i started making my own business there so now i don't need a boss.

he sent me my laptop back once he got to cali... he's such a creep.

He broke my laptop, took my new one he bought me to cali, pushed my mom fighting her for it... and even called the cops on her.

The cops were coming for her...

Why do i forgive that?

He has no care in the world for anyone but himself. he doesnt care about me or my mom or my happienss, my struggles or ANYTHING about me.

I don't give a shit if he has bipolar depression, you don't treat the only person you say u love like this.

Now.. this is what is wrong with me::

I cry right away when he does something bad to me because of what he's done to me beofre.
I get thoughts of suicide once i feel like i have to leave him AGAIN...
my heart beats FAST whenever it seems he's upset. Why? because im kinda scared of him
I always joke around and say "dont hit me"... but really i think about when he did hit me
I close myself off to the world... here i am writing to myself on the web and not to someone who can help me, a human per se.

I grew up thinking i only had me. My dad had to go, my brothers were in their own shit, my mom was dealing with money and 3 kids. Who could I run to?

I really thought i could go to him.

MAybe that is why we got married. I got married right away because i had noone. If i had a stronger connection with family, i wouldn't have done it.

i would have been a normal girl and just been his girlfriend until i got to know the REAL him. or seen all his bad sides.

now as his wife, i see his bad sides time and times again.

after seeing them, he tells me im an asshole if i want to leave just because i dont like his depression.

its not that, you asshole, it's the fact u

beat me

manipulate me

guilt trip me by saying you will kill yourself and blame me

tell me ive been with someone before you when actually, it was someone older than me who molested me

it's the fact u

don't care if im crying at night

dont care if im crying outside in the cold

dont care if im crying on the floor in your closet

it's the fact that you aren't who said u were.

you're a jerk who doesn't give a shit about anyone but yourself, because your depression is stronger than anyone else's depression, struggles and trauma.

your dad beat you, your mom beat you

my ______ touched me, my dad left, my brothers had no emotion, my mom is toxic, i grew up hating my skin, alone, and then i got married to someone i thought loved me and he beat me and made and makes me feel like shit.

I don't treat you like shit because ive struggled.

That's the different between us.

I came to you, to say that you REALLY dont want to start your new year in bed sleeping. you don't wanna hate me for offering help with making noodles (lol) or nana because she snapped at you for saying NO when you offered your help...

see how stupid you look. your nana is older and cranky, her grandson killed himself, she grew up happily but also has some crazy stories to tell. who knows if her baby dad actually loved her..

you don't think about others struggles. you only think about how others react to your actions, and if it's not a happy cheery smile and response, you blame us for making you depressed.

the truth is.. i need a divorce. i can't think or imagine having a baby with you..

having a baby would mean you don't care about my tears WHEN you make me cry

you won't be there for me, you're not even their for yourself.

I tried really hard to be happy every day..

but its almost EVERY WEEKEND where i cry and feel like shit BECAUSE OF YOU

how can i do that to my baby and myself in the future

i need someone to hear me and listen to me and not cry when i am crying just because they feel they were hurt more, when they weren't

you ever felt like shit and cried adn the other person starts telling you it's nothing comapred to what they feel?

That's exactly what u do to me.

I don't want to have a baby with someone like that.

and I WILL NOT.

GOODBYE.

No msgs

BY ME

English 101 T-2

September 30, 2014

The Dreamer

Today, many have not yet learned how to live their life the way they initially plan on living it. We allow ourselves to settle for whatever is handed to us and forget to strive for what we've always wanted. Rather than chase after our dreams, we continue to play out our life the easiest way possible; without taking monumental risks. I recently met someone who does the opposite of this. When I first met Vincent Avendano, I couldn't quite get a taste of his full potential. I was limited to what I saw on the surface and I was unable to figure out what he was really about. A few days ago, I had the privilege of interviewing him over the phone. We talked about his love for nature and life, the places he dreams of seeing, and his decision of dedicating his time to Buddhism. If I hadn't given him the time of day, I wouldn't have found how influential, amiable, and extraordinary he truly is.

Avendano was given the opportunity to enjoy wildlife every day, unlike many people. He grew up in Rockville, Maryland, where the trees are taller than buildings. Every chance he had, Vince would take long walks through the dense forests of Maryland. Slowly, he began to realize nature and enjoying every aspect the earth supplied him with was far more important than acquiring a large paycheck to pay for a needlessly huge home he would end up abandoning when spending most of his day at a job he abhors to afford a home of that size in the first place.

"The trees gave me a new perspective on life and even myself. I felt more of an observer or spectator of life when I'd walk through those tranquil woods. There was no greater escape from the hectic noise the city and towns people made than visiting the forests. The sound of a tree branch falling or being cracked after being stepped on gave me a feeling of nostalgia, along with nirvana and peace. Nothing made me feel more harmonious with myself than wandering through the forests alone.” (Avendano)

Although his place of birth was right out of a story book, he longed for new friendships, new adventures and atmosphere. The friends he had made in Maryland meant a lot to him, but he was in dire need of meeting new faces and making new memories. The true catalyst of Vincent's traveling desires were the few remnants of his childhood, visiting the West Coast when he was only twelve years old. He also remembers the stories his stepfather would recall about the places he would visit in California, the weather, food, and honest people. He and his older brothers were later promised by their step-dad that one day, they'd end up living there.

One night, Avendano came home to find an abundance of sweat on the faces of his family members, along with piles of book bags filled with clothes. It turned out that, without his knowledge, Avendano's family had decided to move away from Maryland to make that trip to California. They hopped on a 3,000 dollar trailer and made their trip to the West the next morning. He didn't mind it, Avendano was all in for leaving his neighbors, friends and Maryland home. He couldn't wait to relive memories and make his dreams of traveling come true. It was on July 1st when he and his family landed in the West Coast. With no place to stay, they camped out in their trailer, waiting to find for an affordable home to live in. In just two weeks, Vincent’s stepfather was able to find a job to help pay for a beautiful home his grandmother had found through Craigslist. Today, Vincent is enjoying his time in Ventura, California, with his family and his cat, Mitzi. He plans on visiting Portland, Seattle, and Chicago in the following year.

At the age of seven, Vince came across a Tibetan monk, in a traditional orange robe, sitting humbly under a tree in the park. He introduced himself to the monk and in return, was taught very valuable life lessons that he still recites today. He learned a few skills and tricks on how to live a happier and more positive lifestyle. Because of this obscure Buddhist man, Avendano realized at a young age that all he wanted to do was help as many people as he could, no matter what their situation was. Avendano wanted to be there for the people he felt needed love and this is what he yearns for still. Like many of us, Vince gets his occasional bouts of negativity and feels trapped in dark thoughts.

"We tend to get tangled up in all our struggles and problems and forget about the ones who care about us most. We forget how these people we care about are there for us when we feel we’re in a bottomless pit. In most cases, we need the helping hand of others to pick us back up because doing it alone sometimes seems insurmountable." (Avendano)

But no matter how down-in-the-dumps Vincent’s feeling, he never fails to help those he loves most before remembering to help himself.

"When I just started community college, all my friends went away... Days seemed to go by... Although I had my best friend with me still, he felt the same way and didn’t want to do anything special. I could say accept just having less company, but that is easier said than done. I learned to keep myself busy, I started refining what I was already good at... I remember that feeling of just going through life rather than living it. I try to find that place now that, at any moment, reminds me I'm alive. Find your daily ambitions is my advice. Good things start happening after doing so... Even though I’m doing absolutely nothing, it’s still something. I’m living." (Avendano)

Avendano, Vincent. Personal interview. 25 Sept. 2014.

my essay i turned in for my english class last year. i got an A thank you vincent, my boy