Life is simple and clear..

Right now, I know exactly what I want. It's 2019, just a few hours ago was 2018. 

Just a few hours ago, I was sitting outside the balcony of my husbands room crying with just socks a sweater and sleep pants. 

My husband and I fought a lot. But we fought to the point I was being beat by him. To the point he broke my laptop, my cheap free government phone.. the laptop my mom got me,,, really hurt me. I know my mom is hurtful too, but she's my mom. Now I have a husband who treats me like shit too. 

The thing is, he has bipolar depression. But is that an excuse to not care that I cry outside his balcony? I remember first getting high off an edible he gave me in 2016 when we lived together in chicago..

I cried so hard and told him to help me. I was sad and depressed and cried so hard like I've never cried before. it doesn't matter that i showed him that side of me. I still was beat sometimes. I recently told him i was molested. He made that about himself and said " i thought u said u were never with someone... but u were with someone before me" 

I know he has bipolar depression, but ... i was molested. 

Who would ever say that to someone... what husband would ever say that to his wife...

Can i remind you, we aren't just a regular ol wife and husband. 

I met him on okcupid... i didn't like him at first because he lived so far and i was smitten for some white guy who just showed me a bit of attention on that same site and seemed cool.

I wanted attention from someone. No, i didnt marry him because he gave me attention, I told him I like you as a friend when he said he loved me on tumblr. 

I didn't care. But then we talked everyday. I heard his voice. I remember telling my friend, his voice is awesome and so hot sounding. We basically had that connection. He's just a few months older than me, he likes the same music as me, he just moved to california and didn't care about leaving friends behind in maryland. I was starting to fall for him.

one night he asked if i ever thought about soulmates. they night was what made me want to be his girlfriend. 

talking about all this just helps me because im talking to myself, trying to figure out WHY he has 2 different attitudes. 

Once he's mad, he thinks he did nothing wrong. he blames everyone but himself. he then says he will kill himself if i get mad again or if this happens again and blah blah... 

meanwhile i have clear visions of myself jumping off or infront of something..

i just don't know.. 

i felt happy with those thoughts. 

i just wish he would understand he is not the only one depressed especially in this household..

ok.... fast forward. im currently in cali with him. Why... why do you ask??

Well, I gave him another chance. I gave myself another chance. I thought it would get better. i went to mexico after he hit me hard and my mom and landlord caught him.

That was the only time he cried. He cried when they caught him.

That's the only time he cries. when he's caught and someone else is there to see his wrong doing.

anyways.... that was one reason why i went to mexico. the other was to go before i found a job. luckily, i started making my own business there so now i don't need a boss. 

he sent me my laptop back once he got to cali... he's such a creep.

He broke my laptop, took my new one he bought me to cali, pushed my mom fighting her for it... and even called the cops on her. 

The cops were coming for her...

Why do i forgive that? 

He has no care in the world for anyone but himself. he doesnt care about me or my mom or my happienss, my struggles or ANYTHING about me.

I don't give a shit if he has bipolar depression, you don't treat the only person you say u love like this. 

Now.. this is what is wrong with me::